When is it Worth the Fight?

My father gave me two pieces of advice that I will always remember. He sat me down before I went off to college and he told me: a) you may win the battle but lose the war, and b) never ever mix your drugs. (I’m serious. That was our entire conversation.)

When dealing with people, I tend to be results oriented; I tailor my behavior in order to get the desired outcome. For instance, if my goal is to be on good terms with a person, I will let things go because it isn’t worth the battle. When dealing with Caleb, being results oriented has been very helpful.

When I think about what I care about, it really boils down to me wanting Caleb to be healthy and happy. I also want him to grow up and be a good partner to someone he loves. So, I want to raise a healthy, happy gentleman.

How do I do this?
First of all, this is something that I thought about while Caleb was still in my belly. I never told him “no”; I always said, “no thank you.” I try to always use my manners with him and with other people so that I am modeling the kind of behavior I want him to emulate (see: Bandura). Caleb doesn’t think about being polite – it just comes naturally to him because we have conditioned him to use his manners.

Setting Caleb up for success is something that is constantly on my mind. This involves identifying and removing obstacles that can negatively affect Caleb’s goals. One way we do this is by buying Caleb pants that have a stretchy waistband because he has trouble unbuttoning his pants when he needs to use the potty. Or we transition to the family bed 45 minutes before bedtime, so we are getting in the mood for sleep.

But what happens when I cannot control the situation? What happens when Caleb is demanding something that I don’t want him to do or have? One of my main methods is a twist on The Passionometer Protocol. Basically, if Caleb wants something more than I don’t want it, then I give in. Exceptions to this rule is when Behaviorism comes into play. If Caleb is acting out and then I let him have his way, I am teaching him that in order to get his way, he can just throw a fit. It is so important to watch for unintended consequences when using positive reinforcement.

This weekend we are having a garage sale. This is very difficult for Caleb as he feels a true emotional connection to everything he owns. He even wants to keep clothes that he grew out of years ago. I have to figure out a way to stay firm and expose Caleb to some of the these parts of life that will be difficult for him, but also not push him off the cliff into Meltdown Land. I have let him take 5 or 6 small toys back, but I also said “no” to quite a bit. Caleb is exhausted because this process is mentally taxing for Caleb. I need to remember that and set him up for success by making sure he goes to the potty every 45 minutes, eating and drinking, and trying to not put one more piece of straw on that camel’s back.

Sometimes the battle is not with Caleb; sometimes it is for him. I have to constantly butt heads with our school, Lanigan Elementary in Farmington Schools. His special needs coordinator is super nice, but the principal and I do not get along. Lanigan does not have an ASD classroom; I refused to have Caleb go to a different elementary school because he has the right to go to school with his neighbors and friends. I finally had to send a letter to Lanigan cc’ed  to the superintendent office asking for them to test Caleb across all academics. Caleb is at a 3rd grade level in math and reading. Caleb also has anxiety, and just the idea of the tests makes him nervous. Caleb says that he will not take the test without me next to him. The superintendent’s office said that I could be in the building but not next to him. Am I supposed to battle my child into taking a test or do I stand up for my child? I mean, obviously, I have to stand up for him.

Do I look forward to fights I have ahead? Not at all. I hate fighting. I hate tension. I’m the person that just wants to walk away from a fight. It is exhausting, emotionally and physically. But, I have to be a Mama Bear and protect my cub. When I talk to other parents of special needs children, I hear horror stories about schools not supporting them enough. So many special needs kids we know go to private schools, but truth be told, there is no way we have the money for that.

I really wish schools would change their way of thinking, but I’m not holding my breath. So, these next coming weeks, I will be looking into the law on Michigan education, specifically with special needs children. I have found that having facts is much more important than having a strongly held opinion. One more thing – I can be a hot head sometimes, but my husband is always cool as a cucumber. When I am nearing my boiling point, I tell my husband our code word, and he knows to take over. In order to truly be results oriented, I can’t go around pissing off administrators. I have to be an adult. I have to be mature so Caleb can be a child.

That said, I really really want to show up for our IEP meeting wearing a Xena outfit. 🙂

Behaviorism, Positive Reinforcement, and Unintended Consequences

When dealing with Caleb, I have found that I really rely on behaviorism. Because we have no real way to find out what is going on inside his brain (he doesn’t have the skill set to communicate well about his feelings), we have to treat it as a black box. Performance is our primary way of assessing Caleb’s abilities and evaluating success.

One of the biggest pitfalls with using behaviorism is that most people don’t understand the difference between rewards, positive reinforcement, and incentive systems. So, here are my operational definitions:

*Rewards: anything given to a person in hopes of getting that person to learn or extinguish a behavior.
*Positive Reinforcement: an action, stmuli, or gift given to a person that will encourage the person to either learn or extinguish a behavior. Unlike rewards, positive reinforcement guarantees success. Well, for a while, anyway. Then you need schedules of reinforcement, but that is a whole other post.
*Incentive Systems: this process is about creating an atmosphere that encourages motivation within a person. This means that like positive reinforcement, you are aware of what is important to the subject. However, positive reinforcement in contingent upon behavior  whereas incentive systems are in place before the person performs, and will continue to exist regardless of performance.

We do a combination of positive reinforcement and incentive systems. Our house is very Caleb friendly, as one can probably tell by the treehouse in our living room. Caleb has access to toys, electronics, books, and some art supplies, so he doesn’t have to ask us for everything. However, we do use a token economy a lot, and that is straight-up behaviorism and positive reinforcement.

There is one more pitfall when it comes to behaviorism: unintended consequences. For example, whenever I got into trouble as a kid, my punishment would usually include cleaning. I did a lot and lot of cleaning. We had 4 darn bathrooms in our house; there was always something that was in need of a good scrubbing. However, the unintended consequence my parents didn’t see coming was that for a long time, I hated cleaning. Even well into my 20’s, my house was a pig’s sty.

Now, as a mom, I definitely have more of a nesting mentality overall; I actually clean all the time without being asked and without negative feelings. But it took decades to get there.

Punishment is a very tricky process. Again, you want to encourage good behavior and extinguish bad behavior. That is kind of the beauty of a token economy; you can earn or lose stars and it isn’t me that is doing anything, as I am simply moving the stars he lost or gained. We do use timeouts, but only for when he has used his hands for hitting (this book is great for hitters). Plus, once we got into the habit of earning stars, Caleb has seen their value and really cares if he earns them or loses them.

Right now one of my main goals is for Caleb to be able to walk with me without me needing him to wear his monkey backpack (skiphop monkey backpack), and for him to behave when we are out shopping, ie, walking with my husband and I and not running off, not falling to the floor, not grabbing things off the shelf, etc. We took a long nature hunt yesterday, and Caleb was able to stay with us for the most part. He earned 7 stars for just staying close to us.

My recommendations are:
*Make sure that you identify the behavior you want to change
*Identify the difference between the “what is” and the “what should be”
*Put together an incentive plan that involves something important to your subject (ie, Caleb loves electronics, books, art projects, and going on family trips).
*Discuss with your family how the stars will be earned or lost; everyone needs to be on the same page so there is no confusion.
*Avoid punishment unless it is absolutely necessary
*We are currently trying to never yell unless it is because Caleb is in danger; this helps so much.
*Use a combination of contingent and non-contingent incentives
*Have a list of actions for your subject to complete; this list should be visible to your subject at all times and also state how many stars are earned for each performance.
*Push just hard enough, but not so much that they break. When trying to learn new skills, it can be overwhelming for Caleb; I have to constantly gauge Caleb’s mental load to make sure that he is not about to have a meltdown.
*Always think about what unintended consequences might arise from a punishment or incentive.