I Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff

A lot of people are curious how I manage to stay sane. To summarize my household, I have a husband who has migraines and ADHD, a son with autism, migraines, ADHD, and sensory processing disorder, I have an older dog, Eli, who is awesome, a puppy who thinks he is a land shark, and me, the eternal migraine sufferer who tries to keep this house running.

When I think about it, it seems like a lot of stuff to handle, but honestly, somehow we make it all work. I think the biggest issue my husband and I worry about is Caleb’s health – intellectually, emotionally, and physically. It is all about prioritization.

For instance, our leather couch is missing leather from a part of the left side armrest from when Eli was a puppy and chewed everything. He chewed up our new bedstand (which is wooden), all my flowers and flower pots, toys, clothes, and about a million binkies which always showed up in his poop. *gag* At first I would get upset because I had never experienced another animal destroying my property like that. But the problem was, if I let the destruction upset me, I would be upset for the rest of the day. Pretty soon I was always upset. It got to be ridiculous. I couldn’t enjoy my day or my dog (Eli is mine. All mine.) because I was upset.

Finally, I decided to stop being upset. It was really that easy for me – a switch I turned off. I was no longer gonna sweat the small stuff. But, how do we figure out what is small and what isn’t? How do we track and give feedback to ourselves?

For me, the big stuff was a matter of whether or not this had a real impact upon the health and safety of my family. That was the big question, the deep core issue. If the answer was “no,” I would find a way to ignore it, redirect it, or fix it but not get emotional about it.

Some examples of the small stuff:
*getting peed or barfed on
*superficial destruction of furniture or household items
*Keeping a perfectly clean home
*Making the bed, ever.

Examples of big stuff:
*Hitting or any sort of violence
*Threats of violence
*Angry words
*Caleb going to bed before 9pm
*Caleb takes his anti-migraine medication
*Caleb stays buckled in his car seat until I tell him he can get out of his seat.

I don’t expect anyone else to do what our family chooses to do. My mother and her husband are very protective of their home so Caleb is not allowed over. I mean, yes, I find it hurtful, but I have to let it go and realize that maybe to them, the furniture is the big stuff. I have to respect that.

We all have our “big stuff.” For me, it is really important to have a loving home that is cozy, inviting, and not dirty. It is important that we never use our bodies or words for violence. In fact, I tell Caleb and my husband multiple times a day that I love them unconditionally. I stress to Caleb that there is nothing he can do to make me stop loving him. I mean, if he hits me, I give him a time out; the punishment isn’t because I am mad at him but rather because he needs to learn that violence is never okay. And the “no violence” rule goes for everyone in the house, including the dogs.

Another reason that violence is something we won’t tolerate as a family is because I was physically and emotionally abused as a child. I never knew what unconditional love was until I met my husband, and then later, my son. Every dollar, every favor, came with a price; my family tried desperately to control every aspect of my life. I don’t hate my parents or grandparents. In fact, I feel bad for them because I feel like I have learned so much from my husband and child about the person I want to be. I was a lot like my mother, to the point it was a running joke. But, I quickly learned that we were very different; my son comes first in my life, no matter what.

So, yes, I do not talk to my parents or extended family. Actually, the funny part is that the only person in my family that I do talk to is my dad, and he has been dead for 9 years!

My side of the family doesn’t share my values or my priorities. Family get togethers used to include different people yelling at Caleb, freaking out over everything he does. It became overwhelming for everyone involved, including us. My mom and sister and their families live in big, beautiful homes. We are talking crown molding, expensive appliances, more than one bathroom, jacuzzi tubs, etc. We live in a house that is about 1,000 sq ft. Why? Because it is more important for me to be a stay-at-home wife and mother and take care of Caleb than it is for me to work a job and make more money. We live cheaply, eating out maybe once or twice a month. My husband and I get our groceries from Costco and Aldi so that my son can have the gluten-free/casein-free food from Whole Foods.

I guess what I am getting at is that in our family, Caleb comes first. If we have additional kids down the road, they will also be our priority. So, no, I don’t have plates that match, most of our glasses are plastic, and 99% of the stuff we own we got as hand-me-downs. But we have membership to the Hands On Museum (which I really need to write about), we go to the zoo and aquarium, and we buy a ton of books. Yes, I buy used clothing for Caleb, but we also make sure he has a couple Pokemon shirts so that he is happy. (Hint, I have Caleb’s measurements written down. Wherever I go, I take a measuring tape with me, so I measure how long it is, etc. Different brands have different shapes, so this helps a lot when buying used clothing.)

My husband taught me about living on a budget, and now I cringe at the idea of buying name brand anything unless it is for Caleb. I am so thankful that I have people in my life who have helped me becoming a more easy-going person. I probably will never have fine china, but that is okay with me; chances are, I’ll be too busy having fun with my family to notice.

Are Parents of Autistic Children More Likely To End Up Divorced?

Easy answer: no.
Real answer: it is complicated.

This post is not a particularly easy one to write. I like to look like I have it all together, I know how to handle anything that comes my way; the truth is that I have my struggles, just like everybody else.

Everyone in our house has their issues:
*Caleb is autistic
*My husband has ADHD
*I have chronic migraines and baggage from my childhood

The divorce rate for couples when one partner has ADHD is about twice that of “normal” couples; mix that strain with the added complications with having an autistic child, and you can lose your darn mind. And I do. Don’t get me wrong – there are days when I have to ask my husband to take over because otherwise I’m going to lose it. To be fair, there is no evidence that having an autistic child leads to divorce; in fact, the divorce rate of families with an autistic child was about even with families who have neurotypical families. This is explained by 1) couples with autistic children tend to be older, and 2) stressful situations can actually cause families to be closer together and weather the storms together.

I know that I married my soulmate. I know that Caleb is one of my two favorite people in the whole world, and I think he is my soulmate as well. Hell, I think my best friends and my dogs are my soulmates, so I may be overly sappy. I try to remember the love that I have for my husband and son, especially in the tough times.

When I turned 30, I decided it was time to do something that I had wanted to do for years, but was always too scared to do: get a tattoo. I’d known what I’ve wanted since I was a teenager, but over the years my ideas matured and I ended up getting a sort of trinity on my back – a trinity of what is important to me: “honor” (right shoulder), “trust” (left shoulder), “love” neck, “lifeboat” (under “love” on neck).

My family is my lifeboat. Together we sink or swim. Together we can survive the bad times and then revel in the good. I try to treat others with honor, love, and trust, but especially my family.

One thing that my husband and I are really working on (and I will probably repeat this a lot) is giving each other the benefit of the doubt. He didn’t answer my phone call? He must have not heard it or he is very busy. He didn’t mow the lawn? Maybe he isn’t feeling well. We have been working on this concept for about a year, and we are still trying to remember it. It is so hard because in the moment, I have real feelings that I want to express. I need to remember to check myself.

For instance, today, I totally chewed out my husband for not picking up his phone when I called him a couple times. This is a trigger for me because my husband has a tendency to not pick up his phone. He worked from home today, so I knew he wasn’t in a meeting. I got cranky. Turns out, I forgot to take my afternoon migraine pills. And it was 4:30pm and I hadn’t eaten yet today. I was tired, hungry, and in pain.

When my husband finally put his foot down and demanded that I take care of myself, I did. And then, boy oh boy, did I feel like a jerk. Gosh, why did I overreact so badly? Why did I forget to eat? And I forget to eat a lot. I have alarms that go off when it is time to feed the dogs, my son, my husband, but not myself. I need to remember to take care of myself so that I don’t become an irrational, crazy B.

All 3 of us sleep in a family bed because of Caleb’s sleep issues (which I will get into later), so my husband and I can’t really be romantic a) in our own bed, and b) until Caleb has fallen asleep, which is around 9, 9:30pm. My husband and I use the spare bedroom as our little love shack (dear visitors: I promise to put on clean sheets.). It is really important to take time out to be affectionate with each other. And I am not just talking about the dirty stuff. Sometimes we just cuddle and talk about our days. The dirty stuff is important, don’t get me wrong. But, it isn’t everything. Staying connected with my husband emotionally, intellectually, and physically are all very important for us in order to have a strong family bond. When my husband and I are happy, we are such better parents, and then Caleb is happy too.

We are building relationships that are going to last our lifetime; something so important deserves special care and attention. I think Jackson from Gilmore Girls said it best:

JACKSON: You know what I love about farming? The commitment. [Chris nods in agreement] No shortcuts, no quitting. You have got to be there for your crops morning, noon, and night. I mean you can have the greatest soil and perfect seeds, but if you are not 100% committed, you might as well pave over those 32 acres and build yourself a strip mall. You know what I mean.

CHRISTOPHER: It’s a lot of responsibility.

JACKSON: It sure is.

CHRISTOPHER: It sounds like you really love farming.

JACKSON: I do. Sookie and I, we both do.

CHRISTOPHER: Me too.